Senselessness

What kind of 'mind reset' do you need when you've been around the world with a month-old broken hearth whose breakage you only owe to yourself? When your brain is *CLEARLY* malfunctioning, you've lost sense of self, body, measure, time... walking around like a depersonalized walking-ghost-machine? Breaking things apart all around you... and then losing all measure of the extent of the dissaster you've created?
More than a month... and incredibly simultaneously long&short month, mediated between the start&end of my GABA-ergic drug abuse, and this point, at which I am, no longer aware of my position in the world... barely aware of my surroundings... resentful... hearthbroken... cry-prone... disconected... trying to pry some sense between a-thousand broken, disconected memories ... alone in the darkness. How do you remediate with those you love the most? How to make reparations with those you can't even reach?
When contemplanting the bareness of the destruction left behind... how to make sense of the senseless? How do you explain the senseless cruelty? The meaninglessness of your actions? When you just *KNOW* you can't just attribute them to *JUST* drugs? ... when you *KNOW FOR CERTAIN* that those drugs were just a trigger for something fermenting for a unquantifiable long time?
Can't just ask for forgiveness... a forgiveness for a long time just drawn-off... a forgiveness that just asking for it consttitutes an act of unfairness... the kind of cruel unfairness that broke this hearth in the first place...
Senseless... that's how I feel... senseless...

Л.//